Title: If you were coming in the Fall, I'd brush the Summer by
Disclaimer: not my characters; all of the songs mentioned belong to whoever wrote them; title from Dickinson
Warnings: mental illness; child abuse; mentions of violence/homophobia; slightly AUish; takes place in senior year; a possibly fatal amount of fluff
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, mentions of unrequited Karofsky/Kurt, Burt/Carole, Mr. Anderson/Mrs. Anderson
Point of view: third
Blaine is an incredible singer. He loves doing it and he knows that he is amazing. His love of singing stems from the fact that when he performs, he can forget the pressures and abuse of his home and just lose himself in the music. That's why he sings cutesy, fun songs that really don't have much emotional investment.
Then he comes to McKinley and really enjoys singing with New Directions but doesn't know how to react to the homework individual assignments. Mr. Schue assigns some personal topic like "Vulnerability" "Home" "Family".
Blaine has no idea how to really react to the assignment and performs for the group. Mr. Schue pulls him aside and tells him that he really didn't get the assignment and that there was no real emotion in the performance. He asks Blaine to do it again and after a few days he performs again.
This time Blaine throws in all of his anger and resentment towards his family's intolerance of him (maybe even abuse if you want to go there) and gives the best performance of his life. The rest of the Glee Club is stunned by his emotions and suddenly realize that there is a lot more to Blaine than they originally thought.
The best part of McKinley is Kurt, hands down, full stop, end of story. Next comes all the spontaneous singing that has nothing do with preparing for competition or performances at various places, and being able to sing to music. Also, Blaine fully understands Mercedes' thing about tater tots now. They're damn good.
But even beyond the bullying – which has gotten better, according to everyone, since Dave Karofsky had some sort of turn-around over the summer and now body-checks people for giving Kurt a hard time, which translates to leaving all the 'gleeks' alone (even though everyone else is still fair game) – Blaine has a difficult time with Mr. Schuster's assignments. Mr. Schuster wants them to sing about everything, and it seems like no one else ever has a problem finding the perfect song for the occasion, sometimes pulling them out of an invisible hat right then. And considering the rest of New Directions has new drama every week, Blaine's difficulty gets shoved to the wayside, which he's more than happy about. He and Kurt are going strong, better than awesome, and Kurt helps him choose a song, more often than not. Twice, they've even teamed up for a duet, which was totally awesome.
And then Mr. Schuster chooses the worst possible week to say, "Okay, guys, this week I think we should focus on parents."
Like, literally, the worst possible week out of all fifty-two. Blaine closes his eyes and sinks back in his chair, and Kurt reaches over to touch his hand, whispering, "Blaine?"
Blaine just shakes his head. This time last year, he didn't know Kurt yet.
"Parents, Mr. Schue?" Finn asks. "Like, how?"
"Parents make us who we are," Mr. Schuster elaborates, writing PARENTS on the board, underlining and circling it. "They affect us, either good or bad, and this week, I want you all to think about it. Pick songs that best describe your relationship, or how you feel, what you like the most or don't like at all – about your parents. Okay?" He claps his hands, smiling broadly. "Okay!"
And that's that.
"Blaine?" Kurt says again, taking his hand. "What's wrong?"
"Just… just a bad week," he replies, sighing, squeezing Kurt's hand.
"Oh," Kurt says, clearly not believing him. He studies Blaine for a moment, letting the choir room empty out. "You wanna come over after school, brainstorm ideas for what to sing about?"
Blaine smiles, standing. "I'd love to," he says. "But I can't."
When Blaine was seven, his mother almost burned their house down. She'd lost her temper with him, with his questions about what would happen if a zebra and giraffe had a baby, if the zebaffe would take over Africa, then Australia, then the world, so she'd slammed down the bottle of vegetable oil and stormed out of the kitchen.
The top wasn't on the bottle, and it was right next to the hot stove. Blaine followed her to his parents' bedroom, where he knocked on the locked door, calling, "Mama? Mama, are you okay?"
She didn't respond, so he kept knocking.
Tuesday, Blaine meets Kurt at his locker and the day's completely normal. A few dirty looks, and a slushy averted when Puck pops up behind them and slings his arms over their shoulders. "'s'up, dudes," he says.
"Nothing, Noah," Kurt responds, rolling his eyes. Blaine grins.
"Listen, Warbler," Puck says, "you're smart, right? Both of ya. You went to that fancy school."
"Yeah, I guess," Blaine replies after a moment, glancing at Kurt for help. Kurt simply rolls his eyes again.
"We're not doing your homework," Kurt says flatly.
"No, that's not it," Puck protests. He fidgets, looking around before pulling them into the choir room. He sighs, crossing his arms and backing away. "I'll never get out of this place," he says softly, eyes on the floor. "I've always wanted to, but I know… I'm a Lima loser, and that's all I'm ever gonna be."
"Puck," Blaine says. "I'm sure that's not true."
Puck scoffs. Kurt asks, "What do you want from us?"
Meeting Blaine's eyes, then looking at Kurt, Puck says, "Help me find stuff to do to bring up my grades. Or add stuff to college applications. Math'll be easy – I show up for test days and I ace 'em. But everything else…" He shrugs.
Rachel bursts into the room, ranting to Finn and Tina, who follow in her wake. Puck separates from Blaine and Kurt, going to Finn and starting up a discussion about the football team.
"… wow," Kurt says. "That, I did not expect."
Blaine huffs a small laugh and grabbed Kurt's hand, leading him to their chairs.
Mr. Schuster comes in at that point to announce the order of their performances; Kurt will be ninth, Blaine's last.
All of Blaine winces at the thought. Seriously, worst week ever.
Mama didn't come out of her room until smoke had filled the house. Blaine had been throwing bowl-fulls of water on the fire for forever by that point, and the stove was burning.
"Shit, Blaine, what did you do?" she demanded, shoving him aside. "Stop with the water!" He froze, dropping the bowl, noticing for the first time that he was crying. His eyes hurt. His hands hurt.
His heart hurt.
"You always do things like this, Blaine!" Mama shouted, grabbing a jar of white powder out of the baking cabinet. She twisted off the lid and tossed the whole thing onto the fire. "Why can't you be a good little boy?" She ranted and yelled until the flames were completely gone, and then she cut herself off suddenly, turning to look at him.
Blaine was in the corner of the cabinets, as far from the stove as he could get and still be in the kitchen. He couldn't stop crying, gasping for breath, wanting his mother to tell him everything would be okay.
But Mama stalked over to him, grabbed his arm, yanked him up, and dragged him to the stove. "Look at it," she hissed. "Look what you did to my beautiful kitchen!"
"I'm sorry!" he wailed, sobbing even harder now.
She scoffed and shoved him away, storming out of the kitchen. He heard her bedroom door slam and flinched, collapsing.
(It'd be five years before Dad told him he wasn't the cause of the fire.)
Blaine scours his musical library. He wracks his brain for any song that would convey – what? What did Mr. Schue's explanation explain? Absolutely nothing.
So he calls David to ask for guidance. He details the assignment, previous examples of Mr. Schue's preferences, and his own cluelessness.
"What did Kurt say?" David asks.
Blaine shrugs, throwing himself back on the bed. "Kurt wants our songs to be a surprise," he mutters. "His dad is awesome, David. Like, the coolest guy in the world."
"Hey," David says. "Your dad is a good guy."
David knows the bare bones of Blaine's family problems. Wes and Thad know slightly less. Nobody knows the whole story. Blaine can't even contemplate telling Kurt, not yet. Not ever.
"Dad does his best," Blaine says. "So, what should I sing? 'Cat's in the Cradle'?"
"If you want." David pauses. "Blaine, think about your parents. What you like the most, what you don't like. Is there anything you want to say that you haven't been able to?"
Blaine thinks. "If I haven't said it to my parents," he asks after a moment, "why would I tell a room full of people I barely know?"
"I don't know, Blaine. But that seems to be the assignment," David says patiently. "Think about past assignments, the requirements, and the critiques."
Blaine nods. "Thanks, David. I'll do 'Cat's in the Cradle', I think."
"Good luck," David says. "Let me know how it goes."
"Will do," Blaine tells him. He lets the phone fall next to him and considers getting up to play his keyboard for a run-through of the song.
He takes a nap instead. Dad wakes him up for dinner; after the meal, Blaine does the dishes, showers, and calls Kurt for their nightly discussion.
As he lies in bed, after hanging up for the night, he thinks about writing his own song, just for a second. Something like, sometimes it feels good to feel nothin', nothin' at all. But he knows he could never bare so much, not for people he barely knows, not even for Kurt. (Not yet.)
When he committed Mom for the first time, Dad explained that she was sick and nothing was her fault. Blaine's arm still throbbed from where she'd accidentally broken it and it not being her fault didn't make the words hurt any less.
Blaine was twelve when Dad finally took Mom to a doctor. Mom refused to take her pills and she lied to all three of her psychiatrists, so the second time she lit a candle and held Blaine's hand to the flame, Dad took her to the hospital.
His arm was still broken, then. He still believed it was his fault, then. And the second time, and the third time. Mom was so good at faking being better, being safe…
When Blaine was fourteen, he nearly died after attending his first high-school dance. While Dad was at work, Mom gave Blaine her medication instead of his painkiller.
After that, Dad gave up. He sent Blaine to Dalton and committed Mom full-time, and he promised Blaine he was blameless. Most of Blaine believed Dad. Part of him never would.
Quinn, Mike, and Artie perform their songs on Wednesday. Mr. Schue praises them, for their courage and honesty. Kurt mutters about trite and overdone, concerning Quinn's rendition of Mulan's 'Reflection,' and Blaine shushes him.
After glee, Blaine heads to Calculus, separating from Kurt, who has French. Puck follows Blaine and asks, "So?"
Blaine glances up at him. "So what?"
Puck sighs heavily and rolls his eyes. "So, Warbler, have you thought about it?"
"Oh," Blaine says. "Yes, right." He really wishes Kurt were here for this: Kurt knows how to handle Puck. "Well, attendance and actually completing homework would help your grades, and your image for potential colleges."
"What?" Puck whines. "Dude, school is so boring. Since I can't fight anymore, I might as well not come."
Blaine stops and swings around, poking Puck in the chest. Puck freezes in shock, staring down at him. "The fuck?" he says.
"Listen to me," Blaine hisses. "You want out of this cesspool? Want to make something of yourself?" Blaine lets his hand drop. "You asked me for advice. I gave it. If you want to drown in Lima, keep doing what you've been doing. But me and Kurt? We'll be gone."
He turns away and goes to Calculus.
Just before the bell rings, Puck slips in and stalks to the back, ignoring Blaine. He collapses into a desk and glares at the room in general.
Blaine pulls out his book and notebook, grinning.
The first semester at Dalton, Blaine lived on campus and never saw his parents. He didn't have to prepare medication Mom wouldn't take, or dodge the words she shouted and muttered, or listen to Dad's excuses as he kept his nose to the grindstone and swam in denial.
The first semester at Dalton, he focused on himself. He was a sophomore and he aced each class, and he offered answers, and he slept easily every night. He woke when his alarm went off, he ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and he had never been happier in his life.
He went home for winter break. He and Dad were alone; Dad worked every day except Christmas and New Year's. Blaine rearranged songs for himself, wrote music, studied ahead in his textbooks, read and reread books for fun, and memorized everything Pink had ever done.
They saw Mom once, two days before he returned to school. She said she loved him, and that she wished she'd gotten the abortion her sister wanted.
Blaine didn't cry over his mother anymore, but only because he'd sworn to himself he wouldn't.
Instead, he ignored everything but himself. He would succeed at Dalton and go far away, and never return to the place that had never been home.
He lived on campus again for the second half of sophomore year. He tried out for the Warblers, Dalton's show choir, when they held auditions in the spring. He sang Pink's 'Eventually,' channeling his rage and weariness about Mom into it, and it was so cathartic he felt like a thousand pound weight was gone from his shoulders when he was done. To his shock and joy, his name was at the top of list when they posted the names of the five boys who made it in.
Blaine finished his first year at Dalton with a 4.0, friends, a spot on the Warblers as a junior, and so very excited for the future.
That summer, he didn't see his mother at all.
"So, you know Taylor Swift, right?" Kurt asks as he takes off his jacket and hangs it in his closet, Wednesday afternoon. Finn has football practice and their parents are at work… an entire house, all for Blaine and Kurt, until after six. Blaine likes Wednesdays.
"I've never met her," Blaine says, scrolling through Kurt's music on his iPod. Nothing better than 'Cat's in the Cradle' jumps out at him. "I know her songs, though. 'Long Live' is the best."
"Well," Kurt says, taking his iPod back, to put on his bedside table, and grabbing Blaine's hand. "Last night, Carole was listening to the radio as we came back from an emergency grocery run." He tugs Blaine off the bed and they head downstairs to the den. "'White Horse' came on, and I'd been able to avoid her, you know that. Too trite, too cliché – but I listened, Blaine. To the whole song."
Kurt pushes him down on the couch and settles next to him. "She's still trite and cliché," Kurt mutters, but he gives up talking for something much more fun, and the next twenty minutes are devoted to making out.
When Blaine moves down to kiss Kurt's elegant neck, Kurt confesses, "I bought all of Taylor Swift's music from iTunes last night." He tilts his head to give Blaine better access. "She's addicting, Blaine. It's like the same song over and over, but I couldn't stop listening. I found my song for this week's assignment."
"Which one?" Blaine asks, leaning back and licking his lips.
"Nuh uh," Kurt says, shaking his finger at Blaine. "Total secrecy, remember?"
Blaine smiles. "Bet I can guess," he says, pulling Kurt back in. "'The Best Day', am I right?"
Kurt pouts. Blaine laughs and dives back to Kurt's neck.
Junior year at Dalton was even better than sophomore. Four months into it, he met Kurt. Four and a half months into it, Kurt transferred to Dalton.
Halfway through the second semester, he finally realized what everyone around him had already figured out and grabbed Kurt tight, knowing he'd never let go unless Kurt told him to.
And a few weeks after that, Kurt went back to McKinley, and the safety of Dalton, for the first time, felt more like a cage.
So Blaine asked his father if he could go back to public school. Face his ghosts and fears like an Anderson should.
Blaine finished his junior year with a 4.0, a boyfriend, and happier than he'd ever been. He hadn't seen his mother in over thirteen months; he thought that might have something to do with it.
When Blaine told Kurt the news, he made Blaine swear he wasn't going to McKinley just to be with Kurt.
He promised, listing all the reasons that won his argument with Dad, and then he softly sang, "Before you met me, I was a wreck; but things were kinda heavy - you brought me to life. Now every February, you'll be my valentine, valentine."
Kurt melted against him; as he kissed his way across Blaine's face, he murmured, "You can't sing that to distract me every time, you know. The magic will be lost."
"If you say so," Blaine snickered, trying to dodge Kurt's fingers as they gently dug into his sides.
Thursday starts with pouring rain. It doesn't get better.
When he sits down at the table with Dad for their once-a-week breakfast together, Dad says, "Blaine, your mother is ready to come home again."
Blaine drops his fork and stares at him. "You can't be serious."
Dad says, "Blaine, I'm really hopeful this time. Dr. Malloran told me that she's greatly improved. It's been six months since any major incident."
"I…" Blaine takes a deep breath. Asks, "Do I get a say?"
Dad nods, with a hesitant smile. "If you really don't want her to live with you, I'll wait until you've gone to college."
And that – hurts. Dully, somewhere inside. Maybe the place that broke with Blaine's arm, years ago. The place scarred with burns. The place where he's wished he were deaf or dead more than once. (The place where he once prayed for Mom's life to end.)
"I'll think about it," Blaine says, and doesn't eat anything else.
He considers skipping school. Except, the PFLAG is meeting today. Their first meeting. He can't miss that.
So he goes to school. Lauren, Finn, and Rachel perform their songs; Finn, surprisingly enough, sings 'He Lives In You' from the second Lion King, with Artie, Puck, and Sam as back-up. Rachel chose 'Baby Mine,' making Blaine wonder if they'd talked it over and gone with Disney as a theme. Of course, then he wonders if Quinn had been in on the discussion and Kurt raises an eyebrow at him when he snorts at the thought.
After school, he attends the meeting like a dutiful boyfriend, ignoring Kurt's concerned looks when he never speaks up about anything, and when it's finished, he tells Kurt that he'll see him tomorrow.
That night, when Kurt calls, Blaine doesn't answer.
He was seven, the first time he realized there was something wrong with Mama. He was fifteen the last time he saw her. He never wants to see her again.
Dad made him see a child psychologist at twelve, and again at fifteen. The second time didn't really help him, but he learned what Dr. Fresan wanted to hear and he said it.
He thinks about telling Kurt all the time. He never mentions his mother; there are photos of her in the house, and he's seen Kurt looking at them, the few times they go to his home instead of Kurt's, but Kurt doesn't ask. Blaine knows he's waiting for the topic to come up, for Blaine to initiate it.
Blaine wants to – part of him really, honestly does. The rest of him is still a little kid, banging on a door and calling for Mama while the house nearly burns down.
When he meets up with Kurt in the parking lot Friday morning, Kurt' clearly caught being angry and being worried. "Blaine," he demands, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Blaine lies, and by the hurt expression on Kurt's face for just a minute before he blanks it out, he knows it's a lie. "I just… I'm working through something. And I want to tell you, but I… I can't, at the moment." He bites his lip. "Please, Kurt. Give me time."
Kurt studies him, head tilted to the left. Blaine waits, forcing himself to take steady breaths.
Over Kurt's shoulder, he sees Dave body-check a hockey player and continue on with only a quick glance at Kurt.
"Next time you don't want to talk, just tell me," Kurt finally says. "I'll understand, Blaine; sometimes, I just want to curl up in the dark and listen to the silence. Okay?"
Blaine nods. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Kurt tells him, linking their arms. "Now, when I blow everyone away with my perfect song this afternoon, act surprised."
Blaine has to believe his father didn't know the extent of his mother's problems. They never speak about it, not after the last visit, and Blaine never asks, will never ask. He tries to ignore the whole issue, in fact.
Maybe that isn't healthy. Dr. Fresan would probably tell him so. But he walked out of the facility, head held high, and he turned to his father, and he said, "I never want to see her again."
Dad frowned. "Blaine," he said. "Son."
Blaine held his gaze until Dad looked away. "If that's what you want."
Brittany goes first Friday afternoon, with an unbelievable performance of the Winnie-the-Pooh theme song. Blaine stares; everyone stares. It's quite moving, though.
"Ah, thank you, Brittany," Mr. Schue says. "I'm not sure what that has to do with your parents—"
"Mom and I watch Pooh every Saturday morning," Brittany explains. "Lord Tubbington eats all the honey."
"Okay," he says, rubbing at the back of his head. "In that case, well done. Sam, you're up."
Kurt's bouncing next to Blaine throughout the entirety of Sam's performance. As Sam winds down, though, Kurt suddenly grabs Blaine's hand and leans over to whisper, "What if it's awful? I mean, what if everyone laughs?"
Blaine turns to meet his eyes. "Would your dad laugh?"
"No," Kurt says, face softening. "He'd duck his head, and get embarrassed, and listen with a smile." He dives in for a quick kiss and stands.
Blaine will never tire of listening to Kurt sing. From the first note of "I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on" to the last note of "I had the best day with you today," Blaine's completely captivated. He really does love that boy.
He's the first to clap, and he gives a sharp whistle as Kurt daintily curtsies before hurrying back to him. "It wasn't too trite, was it?" he asks.
Shaking his head, Blaine says, "It was perfect."
Blaine's earliest memory of his mom is something he thought might be a dream: baking cookies together. Mama let him crack the eggs and dump in the chocolate chips, and he got the first taste of the dough. He couldn't be more than three, which was why he was utterly sure he made it up. Nobody remembered stuff from that young.
When he was thirteen, he found a picture in his mom's jewelry drawer, while he looked for the key she'd hidden to the storeroom. The picture was of them, both laughing, covered in flour, and Blaine couldn't be more than three.
He stared at the photo for a long time, then he put it back, went to his room, and curled up beneath his covers.
Puck catches up with Blaine and Kurt in the hall. "Dudes," he says, "I need help."
"We already established that, Noah, remember?" Kurt asks, digging through his bag for his keys. "Don't you have a meeting with Ms. Pillsbury to get to?"
"Ah, shit," Puck groans. "I totally forgot." He reaches out to gently shove Kurt's shoulder, making Kurt look up with a glare. "But, seriously, I have no idea which song to do."
Kurt blinks, glances at Blaine, then blinks up at Puck again. "You… want my help to pick a song about your relationship with your parents?"
Puck looks at the floor and nods. Kurt mouths wow, then says, "I assume you've already considered and discarded quite a few?"
Puck nods again.
"Are you free tomorrow?" Kurt asks. "You should email me a list of the songs you've vetoed, and maybe… would you be comfortable telling me what you want to convey with your final selection?"
Puck shoots Blaine a quick look, but Blaine's very intently staring at the wall. Puck shrugs and mutters, "Never bein' good enough. Never bein' sure what anyone wants, and why I'm not enough."
Kurt flinches. By the time Puck meets his gaze again, though, he simply looks earnest. "Come over tomorrow afternoon," he says. "We'll find the perfect song for you."
"Thanks," Puck mutters, brushing past them. Halfway down the hall, he spins on his heel, and says, "Warbler, homework's funner than I thought. School's still boring, though."
Blaine laughs; Puck turns around and hurries to Ms. Pillsbury's office. "How did you know he had an appointment?" Blaine asks.
"Finn," Kurt says. "Noah's father apparently returned a few days ago. He's… out of sorts."
It's like a slushy to the face. Blaine closes his eyes, clenches his fist, lists his favorite Pink songs alphabetically.
"Blaine?" Kurt says, sounding worried.
"'My Vietnam,'" he murmurs.
"Hmm." Kurt taps his index finger against his lips. "That could work. I'll be sure to mention it." He focuses back on Blaine. "Do you still need more time?"
Blaine nods. Kurt grabs his hand and says, "Let's go home. You can help me reorganize the rec-room, then help me with dinner."
"Sounds like fun," Blaine says. "I love you."
Kurt smiles the smile he always wears whenever Blaine says it - shocked, awed, I can't believe it, you said it, why me, you silly boy?
Kurt says, "I love you, too."
Blaine cannot tell Kurt that he never wanted to see his mother again. Kurt can never see his mother again because she died. She fought valiantly against cancer and she lost. It was relatively quick, as far as those things go, and Kurt was able to say goodbye, but. Still.
Kurt's mother was stolen in the prime of her life, when he was still so young.
Blaine has a living mother, and most of the time, he thinks he loves her. But sometimes… more than once, he's wished she were dead.
And if he told Kurt any of it, he'd spill the whole thing. He knows that.
So he can't say anything at all.
Blaine spends Saturday morning making a list of the pros and cons of living with Mom again. In the cons, he puts everything he remembers from that fire on. In the pros, he puts only it might make Dad happy. Then he adds, it won't even be a year.
Dad comes home for a long lunch and Blaine hands him the list. Dad crumples it in his hand, letting it fall to the table, next to his sandwich. "I'll tell Dr. Malloran we have to wait a year," he says.
Blaine nods and goes upstairs, where he listens to his soundtrack medley. The Passion of the Christ sounds just like he feels. Around four, he gets a text from Kurt that says Why are boys so silly?
He laughs, texting back, Puck making things difficult?
You have no idea, Kurt responds, and that's it until after supper (silent and awkward, and Blaine doesn't look at Dad once), when Kurt sends him, We went with your suggestion. Puck does it justice; there will be crying.
Blaine smiles and hits the call button. He really needs to talk to Kurt, just lose himself in Kurt's voice. So when Kurt answers, Blaine asked him a question about the New Directions outfits for Sectionals and listens.
The summer between sophomore and junior years, Dad bought an old wreck. He asked Blaine to fix it up with him.
All in all, it wasn't a bad project. Dad talked about when he was young, the things he'd always wanted to do with his life – he wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef and Ayers Rock, to swim with dolphins.
So Blaine told him about writing music, how wonderful it felt to find just the right note, the perfect chord for an emotion.
The third week, Dad asked him what he looked for in a boy.
Blaine stared at him, fingers slack on the wrench, and then told him about a quick wit and strong hands, about a sense of humor and a love of music, about being brave.
(Half a year later, Blaine would look at Kurt and wonder if he weren't a little bit psychic.)
On Sunday, Blaine and Kurt have a day-long date. They drive down to Columbus in time for lunch, wander around the mall, then go to a traveling tour show of Wicked. Blaine watches Kurt more than he does the play, and on the way home, Kurt gives him a blow-by-blow retelling of his and Rachel's adventure in New York. They sing along to the soundtrack, Kurt as Elphaba and Blaine as Fiyero – and, oh, there is a suggestion to make for the spring play, holy shit. Blaine stumbles with the lyrics at the thought of how wonderful that would be.
"Blaine?" Kurt asks.
"Just thinking about us in this play," Blaine tells him.
"Oh," Kurt says, then cocks his head to the side, clearly considering. "Oh, wow. That would be the definition of awesome."
"Wouldn't it?" Blaine says.
Kurt smirks at him and turns down the volume to purr the words to 'As Long As You're Mine.' Blaine shivers and his voice shakes as he joins in.
It's a very long drive.
Blaine knew he loved Kurt from the beginning. He just didn't realize it was different from his love for his friends. Kurt was everything Blaine had ever wanted, and more besides, but Kurt needed a friend. A mentor. Kurt needed guidance, and time to rest, and a safe place to be himself.
Dalton… was not that place. Kurt could endure it, but was that really any better than McKinley? Dalton had given Blaine the time and space he needed to find himself, but it stifled Kurt, even while keeping him physically safe.
They both boarded there, since the drive would've been too difficult for Kurt to do regularly, and even before Blaine realized how he loved Kurt, they had sleepovers most nights. Talking, mostly. Kurt told him about his mother, and McKinley, about his dreams – fashion designs, and choreography, and the three novels he'd started but that still languished unfinished. Blaine told Kurt about everything except his mother.
Blaine thought they were best friends. Kurt knew better.
On Monday morning, Blaine lets out a deep sigh of relief. The week was over. He'd noticed that everything horrible happened the fourth week of September. His arm. The fire. The only thing that didn't fit was the dance, but that was something Mom reacted to, not something she caused.
She almost came home the fourth week of September.
But that week is over now, and they're in the first week of October, so he can breathe easily. He's in a euphoria all day and Kurt keeps giving him the you're so cute I want to cuddle look.
In fact, it's a wonderful day until their afternoon glee meeting.
Kurt and Blaine sit in their usual spot, the left corner, top row. Puck plops next to Kurt, slouching down, crossing his arms, and glaring. "Stop sulking," Kurt tells him. "Be the badass I know you are. You'll kill the song."
Puck doesn't say anything, so Kurt turns to Blaine to ask for clarification on a math principle. Blaine begins explaining while the room fills up, and just before Mr. Schue calls the class to order, Puck leans across Kurt to hiss at Blaine that he's "so very fuckin' wrong, dude."
Kurt grins, Puck rolls his eyes, and Blaine smiles at them both.
"Now," Mr. Schue says, "we have five performances left, so let's get started."
Mercedes goes first, performing excellently as always. Her rousing rendition of 'Dance With My Father' is perfectly done.
"Mercedes, that was truly awesome," Mr. Schue says. "Puck, you're up next."
At first, Puck doesn't move. Kurt has to elbow him before he lunges to his feet and marches to the front of the room, carefully grabbing his guitar from its stand. "I don't want to talk about it," he mutters, and then he starts to play.
None of the band joins in; either Puck or Kurt had prepared it so that Puck can play it alone. Blaine isn't sure he likes it at first, until Puck starts to sing. It's soft, hesitant, but when he gets to "What do you expect from me? What am I not giving you? What could I do for you to make me okay in your eyes?" he finally looks up from the guitar, and he sounds so bitter, so angry. It's the best Blaine's heard from Puck.
Kurt had been right: Puck more than does Blaine's fifth favorite Pink song justice.
After he finishes, Puck gently puts his guitar back, ignoring the enthusiastic cheering after a moment of shocked silence, and stalks up the riser to sit by Kurt again. "It was amazing," Kurt tells him.
"It was an emo chick song," Puck grumbles, crossing his arms again. "Can't believe you talked me into it."
"Well," Mr. Schuster says. "Puck, wow."
Puck doesn't say anything, so Mr. Schue continues, "Tina, your turn."
As the music starts, Blaine's mouth drops open. He recognizes it – he'd been singing to it last night, practicing.
Tina's song is 'Cat's in the Cradle.' Crap. He barely listens, mentally scrolling through possibilities again. He has a day; he and Santana will perform on Wednesday. He picked 'Cat's in the Cradle' because it's easy, required little thought, and is actually a good song. Plus, it somewhat fits his situation. 'Family Portrait' might fit, except Puck has already done Pink.
And no, on second thought, much as he loves the song, it doesn't really fit at all.
Tina finishes; Blaine claps mechanically, ignoring Kurt's worried look.
It had been such a good day.
When Blaine was ten, he invited Cal Evanston over for the afternoon. Cal was in his class, and they played together at recess, and Cal sat with him at lunch. Cal was tall and funny and nice. He was Blaine's first crush, though Blaine didn't realize that for some time.
Mom wasn't usually home in the afternoons. Blaine didn't know where she went or what she did, but she never came home until just before dinner. Dad was always late, so he didn't notice.
Blaine and Cal were playing a videogame he's since forgotten when Mom stormed into the house, slamming the door behind her. She screamed nonsense when she saw Cal, and then walked over to Blaine, grabbing the controller from him; if he hadn't dodged, she'd have slapped him across the face.
Cal's eyes were wide, his face panicked, and Blaine looked at him. "Get out of here," Blaine hissed.
"But," Cal protested. "I can't leave alone you with her."
"You can't help," Blaine said, rolling off the couch and out of Mom's reach. "It'll be alright – go."
Cal went. Mom calmed down, smiled and petted Blaine's hair, calling him her special boy.
The next day, a social worker and a policeman talked to Blaine at school, then his parents at home.
Nothing came of it. Cal still spent time with Blaine at school, but he never came over. He invited Blaine to his home, instead.
Blaine and his father always have dinner together on Monday. Dad takes the afternoon off; it's his one free day. They doesn't always talk, but they sit at the dinner table together and eat in each other's company.
"I'm sorry," Blaine says into the quiet, staring down at his chicken. "Dad, I just can't… I can't live with her. Not after everything."
He never wants to see her, or hear her voice, or smell that godforsaken perfume she wore every day. Never wants to feel her hands again.
"I understand, Blaine," Dad says. "I shouldn't have asked it of you."
After they finish eating, Blaine clears the table and follows his father to the den, where Dad watches a documentary about volcanoes and Blaine makes a list of what he wants his song to convey.
Surviving, he finally decides. Endurance. Strength.
There is a song he knows that embodies all of that. One of his dad's favorites, in fact. And it might even be… perfect.
Blaine asked his mom for a puppy when he was eight. He promised that he would take care of the puppy every day, and the puppy could sleep in his bed, and he'd feed the puppy from his own plate.
She said to ask his father. Dad said no.
Three days later, Mama came home with a half-grown mutt and told Blaine the dog was his.
When Dad got home, he found Blaine playing with the puppy in the den. The puppy had already peed on the carpet and torn up one of the pillows; Mom was in bed with a headache, so when Blaine thought the puppy was hungry, he fed her left-over spaghetti from supper.
Blaine named her Xylophone. Dad took her to a shelter the next day. Mom said she had no idea where the dog came from and had never seen Xylophone before in her life.
Tuesday, Dave Karofsky stops Blaine in the hall on the way to second period. He looks around, but no one is watching, so Dave asks, "Can we talk after school?"
"I'm going to Kurt's house," Blaine says. "But if you want to meet somewhere at lunch?"
"Yeah," Dave mutters. "Choir room?"
Blaine nods. "I'll see you then."
"Trouble?" Puck asks, swooping in out of nowhere as Dave walks away.
"I don't think so," Blaine says, smiling. "On your way to English?"
Puck glares at him, but Blaine's smile simply brightens. Ms. Pillsbury had been so glad to hear Puck had a tutor, and gave him Puck's schedule with relief.
"You wrote the paper, didn't you?" Blaine asks. "Two pages about Jane Eyre?"
"It was so boring," Puck grumbles. "But Kurt said he'd help with my song if wrote the stupid thing."
"What theme did you focus on?" Blaine asks, pausing outside his classroom. He has AP English, and it's laughingly easy after Dalton. Puck's class is further down the hall, regular English.
"Going for something you want," Puck says. "No matter how hard it is." He grins, adding, "Kurt didn't change much – he said it was surprisingly good, for a Neanderthal."
"I'm glad," Blaine says.
Puck slaps his shoulder and heads on; Blaine laughs, hurrying to his desk.
When lunch rolls around, Blaine meets Kurt at his locker and tells him a conference has come up, that he might even miss lunch altogether. Kurt squeezes his arm and says they'll see each other after school.
Dave is already in the choir room when Blaine gets there. "How can I help you, Dave?" he asks calmly, every move non-threatening.
He doesn't think Dave will hurt him. Dave has come a long way from the angry boy who attacked Blaine the first time they met.
"How did you come out to your parents?" Dave blurts, the words tripping over each other.
"I took a deep breath," Blaine says, walking to the chairs and sitting down. "I remembered that they were my family and loved me. And I thought about how much I was tired of being afraid."
Dave sits down two chairs away, darting quick glances at Blaine from the corner of his eye. "And they didn't flip?"
"No," Blaine lies. "My dad thanked me for trusting them and finished his steak."
Dave looks at his hands. "And… life was easier?"
"Yeah," Blaine says. "Two summers ago, Dad even asked me about my type."
Chuckling, Dave leans back in his chair. Blaine watches with happiness as Dave relaxes. He looks like a different person when he smiles. "You can wait until college," he says. "Only come out when you're ready, Dave."
Dave nods, then stands and says, "Take care of Kurt." He walks out of the room.
Blaine follows him; there is still time for lunch, and his totally awesome boyfriend awaits.
Blaine came out to Dad first; he was thirteen and terrified and determined to tell the truth. So, he said, "Dad, I'm gay," while Dad read the Sunday paper. Mom was still upstairs.
Dad stared at him for a moment. "Are you sure?" he finally asked.
"I… I think so," Blaine said.
Dad nodded and went back to the paper. Blaine breathed a deep sigh of relief, sinking back into his chair, and reached out for the comics.
After lunch, while Dad made a quick run to the office for – something? Blaine told his mom. Because his father took it so well, he expected his mother would, as well.
He should have known better.
Tuesday afternoon, Blaine and Kurt cuddle on the couch while Blaine makes him watch the original Day of the Triffids. Kurt bitches all the way through it, complaining about the acting, special effects, uselessness of the women, and implausibility of the plot. Blaine just laughs.
As the movie ends, Kurt asks, "What happened at lunch?"
"Dave had questions about coming out," Blaine says.
Kurt lights up. "Really? Do you think he's ready?"
"No," Blaine says after a moment. "I really don't think he is."
Slumping down a little, Kurt says, "Yeah, I didn't think so. It'd be nice, though."
Blaine turns the TV off and leans against Kurt. "You're doing good with Puck," he murmurs, shifting slightly as Kurt's arm go around him, pulling him closer. "Are you going to proofread all his papers?"
"Yeah," Kurt says. "He's going to go over my math homework. He's like a savant or something. It's amazing." He pauses. "And completely unexpected. I mean, the guy who used to toss me into dumpsters can actually comprehend concepts that go right over my head. How weird is that?" He presses a kiss to Blaine's jaw, saying, "Tell me your song."
"Nope," Blaine says. "It's a surprise. It'll be awesome, though." He pulls away from Kurt, laughing at Kurt's noise of protest. "Your dad will be home any minute. I refuse to be caught debauching you."
"But what if I want you to debauch me?" Kurt whines.
"I'd prefer you didn't on my couch," Mr. Hummel says dryly.
Blaine looks past Kurt to Mr. Hummel, standing in the doorway, arms crossed. "Hi, Mr. Hummel," he says.
Kurt closes his eyes and groans silently. "Hello, Dad."
"Blaine, good to see you're controlling yourself. Stayin' for dinner?" Mr. Hummel asks.
"No, sir," Blaine says respectfully. "There's a project I need to work on." He smiles at Kurt. "I'll call you tonight before bed." As he walks past Mr. Hummel, he says, "Goodbye, sir."
"Bye, Blaine," Mr. Hummel calls behind him.
He waits till he's in his car to laugh hysterically. Then he goes home to practice. He sings the song through once, eats supper alone because Dad's working late, calls Kurt and talks for an hour about their New York plans, and falls asleep listening to his Kurt playlist.
Blaine isn't worried about the song; he's known it for years. He's been singing for just as long.
Mom didn't say anything after Blaine told her he was gay. He thought it went well. She didn't speak to him for three days, but that wasn't unusual.
Then, on Sunday, Mom was standing at Blaine's bedside when he woke up, and she was holding a lit candle.
"Mom?" he asked, sitting up. "What's wrong?"
"Give me your hand, baby," she said, smiling.
He knew what was coming. But she was so calm. She was his mom.
He held out his hand and watched as she gently gripped it, moving the candle closer.
She said, "You aren't gay, Blaine. Life will be too hard for you if you like boys."
"Yes, Mom," he whispered, his free hand clenched by his side.
He closed his eyes. Mom said, "Remember this, dearest. Any time you think those thoughts. Remember what you learned this morning."
From downstairs, Dad called, "Maria! Blaine! Breakfast!"
Mom blew out the candle. Blaine cradled his hand.
It was just another scar.