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the things you learn about yourself

So, yesterday I had to change the password for my insurance company's site and the security question was What are you afraid of? I couldn't think of what I must have answered when I set it up, so I called tigris_lilsis to ask her what she thought I might've used. She had no idea and then she said something interesting: "You're not afraid of concrete things."

Which... I'm not. I thought about it later, after getting my password changed by calling the company during their worker bee hours (also: that wasn't one of my questions, some sort of snafu, I guess), and I realized that what I'm actually scared of is outliving people.

I don't like boats but I've never been on one long enough to develop an actual fear. I don't like planes, but that's not a fear either. Rickety elevators freak me the fuck out but I'm pretty sure I'm not truly afraid. I don't like ghosts but again - not fear.

But the thought of surviving when people I love are dead - I can't even contemplate it. I actively avoid thinking about what I'll do. The only people who have died in my lifetime are my grandparents and my great-aunt, and my mother's cousin, who I barely remember. I've been lucky like that.

There are things I don't like, and things I avoid - but what I'm terrified of is surviving. I'm not sure what that says about me.

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( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
caffienekitty
Jun. 26th, 2015 05:46 am (UTC)
It says you care deeply about people in your life. I've lost a few people important to me and it is always a thing where I swear that no one else is allowed to die on me, but it's never my call, and that's the part that sucks most. Knowing that often no matter how hard you want there to be something, there is nothing in your power you can do to keep people you love from dying or disappearing.

And that is scary as fuck. Pardon my language, but it is.

All you can do is make the most of the time you have with them while you have it. Be there when they need you, call them up for no reason, go spend time with them doing nothing but being together. Because every one you know has the same fear and the people you love don't want to lose you either.

*hug*
tigriswolf
Jun. 26th, 2015 01:18 pm (UTC)

*snuggle*
classics_lover
Jun. 26th, 2015 12:00 pm (UTC)
Very wise. That is a thing that didn't occur to me when Granny died, nor when my Uncle died, but started to dawn on me when my favourite Auntie died, followed closely by Dad and Nana.

And there are people out there who think it'll never happen to them and I can only hope they're right. You have your head on right.

Also, do spiders not scare you? They have eight legs and eyes. What do they need all those extra legs for anyway? They're out to get me! *runs away screaming*
tigriswolf
Jun. 26th, 2015 01:17 pm (UTC)

Nope, spiders don't bother me. The only animal that does is certain kinds of beetles and roaches (actually, basically anything that looks like a roach). I read a book once, okay, that scarred me for life. That's all I'll say about that because I don't want to remember it.

I should be afraid of animals, though - apparently, back when I was barely toddling around, my grandpa babysat me and I bothered his cat, who then clawed me up one side and down the other (literally; Grandpa was terrified that Mom would hate him forever). I should be afraid of cats, right? I'm not. My entire life, I've never been afraid of any sort of animals except roaches/beetles, and that wasn't until I was like ten or eleven.

Like, I went through a phase where I thought snakes were the coolest thing ever and Mom had a friend who worked at a public swamp that keeps snakes in exhibits and she got this lady to let me and lilsis hold the snakes and while we were watching, she startled one so it struck at her hand and bit her. Coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. It was awesome.

Anyway, point it is: I've always liked animals and they almost always like me back.

While my family members are traveling, I pretty much cling to my phone waiting for updates that they've made it. My parents are currently in Hawaii for their 30th anniversary and I kept my phone close all day the day they traveled.
classics_lover
Jun. 26th, 2015 01:56 pm (UTC)
But... why do they need eight legs? Surely six would be enough? Or four? :P The ones I deal with are small and harmless and they still terrify me. It defies logic, but I stick to my logic defying phobia :P And frankly, all insects (except butterflies and ladybirds) freak me out at least a bit, I think because of that whole spider thing, so if I saw a roach I would freak the fuck out.

I have no fear of animals, but my mum does. She's scared of big dogs (or, now that we have Amber, a blanket fear of "Other dogs") because of several traumatic bite attacks when she was growing up. She refuses to walk Amber in case we meet another dog, hereas I'm all "DOGGY!!!" *glomp* no matter the size or breed. I'm not sure I'm good for her, lol.

That's not unusual. I do that when I'm apart from Mum, even if I'm just in college for the day or she's in the shops, we just text all the time. More so, I think, since Dad died. When I was in Antwerp&Amsterdam in March she gave me Amber Update texts, and I even texted my Uncle with really bad Dam jokes :P (Although I still approve of the Dam Good Coffee coffee-shop sign). I don't know what motivates me to do it, though, whether I'm like you, afraid of losing contact with her like Dad, or if I'm just *that much* of a homebird. Probably a bit of both.
tigriswolf
Jun. 26th, 2015 06:57 pm (UTC)

I... have no idea why they need eight legs. Of the many things I've pondered over the years, that's never been one of them. Hmm.

My little sister used to be afraid of 'big' dogs and I never understood, since to the best of my knowledge, she's never had a bad experience with one, and doesn't even remember that time our great-aunt's dog bit a neighbor. (It was the neighbor's fault, so thankfully the dog wasn't in trouble.) She grew out of it, though.

I just found out a couple of days that my constantly needing to know where people are really bothers that same little sister. I guess I can see why, but also... *sigh*
katleept
Jul. 2nd, 2015 10:24 am (UTC)
***HUGS*** Honey, you're not alone in this. This is my greatest fear, as well, and it's one far too realistic for me. I'm the youngest of my family. I'm an only child. The love of my life is almost twice my age. All I can do is try not to dwell on it, enjoy my life with those I love while I have it, and remember and love them always. <3

I see my Great Aunt living when she's buried so many. She's buried all her children, her husband, all her siblings, and almost all his siblings, and she came from a big family. She's one of only two left of her generation, and she's probably going to bury James, too. She holds on for him, I think, and I know, and am terrified of it if I allow myself to think about it, that I will one day, most likely, be in her shoes.

I'll be the last of my family. I don't want to be, but the facts are the facts and I'm not going to leave them for anything.

So HUGS again, my dear, from some one who damn sure knows too much about that fear, and know you're not alone. We're not even just two who share this fear; I've talked to several others who do, too.

***HUGS***
tigriswolf
Jul. 2nd, 2015 04:49 pm (UTC)

*hugs you back hard*
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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