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I want today to have never happened.

I sobbed to both my little sister, two EMTs, and my mom that I wanted to wake up and they all told me I was awake.

Am awake.

The year was going so good. I was actually happy.

And now this.

My family wouldn't even let me go back to the apartment today. My aunt and little sister drove around for supplies while I rested on my parents' couch. Then my mom dragged me to the ER to get my lungs checked, because I stayed in the fire until I could neither breathe nor see, yelling for Gus.

Everyone keeps telling me I did all I could. That I did more than most would've for my GusGus. But he's my cat. He's been mine since he was 10 weeks old, since 2009.

I love him so much. He wasn't burned. He inhaled too much smoke, trying to hide from the threat. They tried to bring him back. They brought him to me.

My mom showed him to me, wrapped in a towel. I couldn't hold him. I could barely look at him. Does that make me horrible? I want to remember him as he was last night, curled up on my chest. Nudging me with his paw and chirping slightly. Wrapping himself around my shoulder and exploring my hair.

That's the Gus I choose to remember. Happy somewhere new, away from his endless UTIs and bad lungs.

I'll find him there, one day. I'll find him and I'll swing him into my arms, and he'll meow at me and I'll understand what he means.

I wish today had never happened. I'd trade everything in the apartment for Gus to have dashed out and hid somewhere else.

At this time last night, Gus was stretched across my lap, purring.

I want him back.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 15th, 2017 10:46 am (UTC)
Gus knows you love him and Gus loves you, too.

You and they did everything possible to save him.

Are your lungs clear? Are you otherwise healthy? Is your apartment safe to go back to?
Jan. 15th, 2017 02:55 pm (UTC)
My mom showed him to me, wrapped in a towel. I couldn't hold him. I could barely look at him. Does that make me horrible?

Of course not, I wouldn't want to see my cat like that, either. I'd want to remember them when they were alive and happy.
Jan. 15th, 2017 07:03 pm (UTC)
Oh honey, no. Of course not. Everyone grieves in a different way, so whatever you are doing right now, whatever you need to do is the right thing for you. Don't doubt it.

(And, if it makes you feel better, I didn't want to see my father after he died either, and 20 years later and glad of it. I remember him as a living, wonderful, big hearted living person, and that's the image I want to keep.)
Jan. 15th, 2017 11:43 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear that.
Jan. 19th, 2017 02:02 am (UTC)
My heart breaks for you *hugs you tight*
Jan. 19th, 2017 09:47 am (UTC)
Sweetie, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Jan. 23rd, 2017 09:41 pm (UTC)

My cat is at my feet and i am crying over this.

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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